Shutdown

This past summer in the midst of travelling around and pretty much living-the-dream I set down some plans for this winter. Namely, do some more travelling and dream-living. I decided that the best thing to do would be take a cue from Coach Rodgers and visit Big Bend National Park. Now I, and Coach, both have plans to see the national park with the least yearly visitors and darkest night skies in the entire country. With this plan in mind I have recently set out on a shopping spree like I’m on supermarket sweep. You know, the game show where contestants swooped down the aisles trying to accrue the greatest bill? That’s what I’ve been doing, except with high end camping equipment. I haven’t seen money flow out of my account this quickly since I was in Vegas. 

ME, circa last week

If the summer used up all the money I made last year, then my next trip is definitely going to suck out every bit of the money I make this year. There’s just one problem. In the middle of my spending spree a little something happened. It’s not a big deal, we’ll just call it, oh I don’t know, THE GOVERNMENT SHUTTING DOWN!!! I normally wouldn’t care about this  except it also means the national parks are closed as well.

Now I love America. When it comes to my country I proudly say the lovin I give it falls somewhere between Uncle Sam and Malcolm X. I do, however, try to avoid politically charged debates because they usually fall along the lines of both people saying they’re right no matter what (by the way, I’m right you’re wrong whatever we’re talking about). One solution to my problem is the two parties coming together and working out a bipartisan deal to reopen the government. But I stopped believing in fairy tales when I was 10 so it’s on to Plan B. I have seen many people arriving at these parks be disheartened to find out the government has closed them down while seemingly giving America the middle finger. A few Americans have apparently seen this as a challenge and flipped the government the bird right back while driving on into the park.

Suck it Uncle Sam

I would think about doing this in Texas if it wasn’t for one major problem. It is in Texas. If this doesn’t immediately make sense to you let me try to enlighten that soupy, industrial-looking sludge floating between your ears. Big Bend is way out in rural West Texas. This part of the state gives new meaning to the word rural; other rural areas look at West Texas and know that can only dream of being that un-populated. This may seem counterintuitive at first, “if there’s no one out there then just going into the park should be easy!” Yes, I know that’s how it may seem random person interrupting my blog post, but now we come to main reason for my concern. I will get shot. Texas is full of conservative people and guns. The two are attracted to each other like birds and clean glass doors.

And nothing makes Texans happier than shooting people for trespassing. It’s the reason we (I am Texan so I can say “We”) co-opted the litter campaign slogan “Don’t Mess With Texas” to mean basically don’t mess with anything here or we’ll shoot you. Adding to this problem is that on a per capita basis the number of guns is inversely proportional to the population. As the number of people go down, the number of guns goes up. What this means is that urban centers farther in the eastern part of the state have relatively few guns compared to the amount of people there. Austin is pretty much one dreadlocked hipster away from starting Woodstock back up: there are zero guns in Austin, the police carry tasers and occasionally bear spray for the really wacked out hippy. In a smaller town such as Tyler (population 100,000 give or take) there is a good 1-to-1 gun to person ratio that is enforced by the state legislature. In my hometown of Vernon (population 11,000) there is a 5-to-1 gun to person ratio. Once again just the letter of the law. In a place like far Southwest Texas where human settlement is sparse to non-existent there is a gun leaning against everything larger than 2 feet tall.

And even if it wasn’t their own property, I’m sure the good citizens living near Big Bend would shoot someone trespassing on another person’s land just on sheer principal.

This land may belong to Big Government and Uncle Sam... but the law is the law

You can now see my predicament. I wouldn’t think twice about going into a national park in a state like New Hampshire. What are they going to do? Give me a stern lecture on the need for civil discourse in our society? At Big Bend I could end up as fodder for whatever roams the landscape: cattle, vultures, Mad Max. So we need this shutdown to come to an end! We needn’t be pressing loftier goals of partisanship and the correct path of our nation. Really we all need is to come together in this instance so Coach Rodgers and I can go hiking, and (quite separately) get away from everyone else. I like to think that’s something we can all agree on, and if not, then you’re dead to me and you’re opinion matters not.