A New World

It’s Thursday and if you weren’t paying attention the last few weeks this is the self-appointed day of our destruction if the government fails to come to an accord on… something, anything. I haven’t seen any news lately so don’t tell me what happened, but I’ve spent the last few days preparing for a full on apocalyptic, civilization shattering, culture abominating, hell-scape. I’ve been doing this based on the assumption that nothing will get done in Washington which, let’s be honest, is a pretty good assumption.

My preparations have mostly involved watching crazy futuristic, dystopian movies like Mad Max. You need to be sure to watch the movies with the most unbelievable premise because, sadly, they have the most connection to what has been going on the past few weeks. I’ve filled my psyche with some pretty awful things: Mad Max 2, Blade Runner, Waterworld, C-Span. I even watched The Postman! Do you know how desperate you must be to watch The Postman? You know once that movie is brought out there is no turning back. 

 

Yes that is Kevin Costner and Tom Petty in a post-apocalyptic movie. Yes it is.

After this buffet of awfulness I am now ready for what lies ahead. With the downfall of our way of life and everything we hold dear, this is the perfect opportunity for me to make my ascension as the ruler of the mankind. Sorry, if you thought I was going to try for the peaceful reconciliatory building of humanity, but that ain’t happening. I’ve been dreaming about world domination since my freshmen year of college and even gave an entire speech dedicated to my future goal of world domination (that last sentence is, sadly, completely true. I got an 85 because the professor couldn't handle the revolution).

I know most people think having world domination as a goal in life is pretty stupid, and they are completely correct. It’s incredibly stupid and can only be precipitated by a series of stupid, dumb, irrational decisions by people already in power in order for me to attain my goal. And it can’t just be one stupid, dumb, irrational decision; it must be a veritable avalanche of stupid, dumb, irrational decisions by an entire group of people in power made day after day for no reason whatsoever in order for me to have even the slightest hope of achieving my goal. Well, luckily for me (or unluckily depending on how you look at it) that seemingly impossible possibility has reared its beautiful, stupid face for me to embrace. 

 

I love you all

I know this will be difficult for many of you since oaths of fealty have generally been out of fashion since the dark ages in Europe. But I will be a just ruler (if somewhat eccentric and crazy) especially for those who pledge early. Those who wish to do so can email their testament of love and devotion, but I suggest this be done quickly since technology and infrastructure will surely start getting destroyed at an alarming rate. I can personally promise internet will be the first thing to go followed by electricity and Miley Cyrus. This is inconvenient I know, but being a totalitarian dictator is kinda the opposite of a democracy: you really want an uninformed and poorly educated populace. I don’t suspect that will be too difficult to accomplish. With access to literally any knowledge in the world at our fingertips we have managed to paradoxically become a less informed electorate than before the forward march of information technology began. 

So there you have it. I, your Fearless Leader, Ruler of The World and head of The Peoples Republic of Brad do declare with my first decree that tomatoes are fruit of the devil and are not fit for consumption.....

 

Just look at them! They're red, just like stop signs, and I hate stop signs.

What’s that? We didn’t default and send our country into a dystopian, God-Forsaken future? Oh. Man do I feel bad now. Well, looks like I get to go to Big Bend National Park after all! That’s good because it would’ve been a shame if I never got to use all my new camping gear. You're all safe for the next few months until our borrowing limit is reached again. Until then I'll happily go camping and prepare for my eventual rise to power.