March Madness

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but its March. And to be perfectly honest it’s really close to being April already. For those of us above the 39^th parallel that means it’s almost time to start defrosting from winter, say hello to that bright thing in the sky called the sun and start reducing food portions because soon that physique won’t be hidden under 5 layers of clothing. For everyone else this is Tourney time. That’s right, the NCAA Basketball tournament is going on now and so is all the loss of worker productivity that goes with it.

Not now chief. I got some serious basketball watching to do

I usually refrain from getting involved in any March Madness festivities on principle: it goes into April! Change the name or shorten the format! This year, against my better judgment, I filled out a bracket to test my mettle against other Kohawks and the nation. Now that the first rounds are over it’s time to face the music and hash out what I’ve learned so far from my bracket-filling-out experience.

I Picked the Wrong School in Kansas

I picked Kansas to get to the championship because I’m unoriginal and figured somebody had to make the final, it might as well be Kansas. Where I ran into trouble was in picking the other schools from the state. In my mind I faced a decision where I could only take one more school from Kansas because the basketball gods must be pleased and they always want a sacrifice from the heartland. In looking at past histories it seemed like a good idea to give the nod to the team that was seeded 4^th in their region (K-State) over the team that was seeded 9^th (Wichita State). Well as we all know K-State took a 30 minute break from the game while LaSalle scored at will before remembering there were no more games after this one. Of course, the furious comeback only served to upset me more when K-State managed to both get blown out and lose a heartbreaker in the same game. I would have rather they didn’t toy with me at all.

The Wildcats and my frayed emotions

Wichita State, on the other hand, was supposed to lose first round but noooooooo. They decided to not only win their first game but also flip me the bird in the second round by beating number 1 seed Gonzaga. I could just feel them smirking at me as they rained 3 pointers down on Gonzaga’s head in the best aerial bombardment I’ve seen since Nam. Thanks for nothing Gonzaga.

Never Put Faith in the Mountain West

The Mountain West was lauded for getting 5 schools in the tournament this year. I mistakenly took that as a sign that those schools were good at basketball and have been paying the price for my hubris ever since. Colorado State was the only school who read the script and played according to my plan. Win first round and lose second round. That’s the way this is supposed to go! UNLV and San Diego State decided to forgo the proper script and go rouge in their first round games in an apparent attempt to destroy my bracket: they succeeded. I picked Oklahoma to beat San Diego. Do you know how difficult it was for me, a guy born and raised in Texas, to root for Oklahoma? I just threw up a little in my mouth. I spent 2 hours of bile inducing fandom in a failed attempt to bring Oklahoma the win. Ohhaoghoagadl;s. Sorry , I threw up a little more violently just then.

Oklahomaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

None of this can compare to how New Mexico betrayed me. When picking New Mexico’s first round game I almost went with Harvard as a joke because those Cambridge boys must be smart enough to win a game. After wavering on my decision a little I picked New Mexico to win that game. And since I picked them for one win I immediately channeled my inner Ricky Bobby and put New Mexico all the way in the Elite 8. If you’re not first your last and I certainly hadn’t picked New Mexico to get last. It was only after the game started that I remembered how absurd it was to follow the advice of a fictional movie father who was high when he uttered his famous life lessons.

If You Want to be a Winner, Have a Hot Wife/Girlfriend

Remember in 2006 when Marcos Baghdatis burst onto the tennis scene and reached the Australian Open Final? I’m going to guess you don’t because the dirty camera men wouldn’t stop panning over to the player’s box to show his girlfriend. Every so often they would remember there was a tennis match going on and show a random point before going back to zooming in on her. For a more recent incident just look at the BCS National Championship game between Alabama and that other school I don’t remember. I was a little confused there was even a game going on from all the coverage of AJ McCarron’s girlfriend being shown. The janitors had to bring in a shopvac to get up all the drool in the press box emanating from Brent Musberger.

Well it’s happened again. Florida Gulf Coast has become the first 15 seed to reach the Sweet 16, and all that’s been done with the program being post-season eligible for only 2 years. This may be all fine and dandy but there’s a bigger more inspiring story here: the coach has a really hot wife! This is the vibe I’m getting from all the media coverage. “It’s really great how hard you guys have worked this year to become the Cinderella story of the tournament. But now let’s talk about how hot the coach’s wife is. Would you like to dedicate this tournament run to her?”

We sure would

I now know how to accomplish all my goals. All I need to do is find a REALLY good looking woman, like supermodel hot, and ask her to date me (marriage is a plus). Once this little task is accomplished I’m fairly secure in saying I’ll have the US Open wrapped up by 2014.

Go Duke!