The Twitter-verse

Folks, there are certain foundations in my life that I consider immutable; certain understandings about the way things will always be. The sun’s gonna rise in the east, Texas is hot in the summer, I like food, the weatherman hates me and everyone else in Iowa. These are things I know every time I wake up in the morning. With all of life’s uncertainties, these are things I thought I could always count on. I say “thought” because earlier this week my entire worldview, what I base everything on, was utterly shattered.

At the beginning of this week I got to Clark Racquet Center and received this bombshell: Freshmen Ryan Hickman now has a Twitter account. That’s right Ryan Hickman is now on the Twitter. Many of you are probably wondering “what’s the big deal with Ryan having a Twitter account?” – or if you’re my parents, “what’s a Twitter?” Well don’t you worry, I’ll break through your confusion like that dog that broke into my backyard when I was a kid. 

When I first heard about this happening I obviously didn't believe it, but I was shown physical proof that could not be denied. Just go on Twitter and search for @rh_doughboy and you’ll find this.

He Tweeted Twice! Get a hold of yourself!

I know having a Twitter account may seem normal to most people, but I’m not most people. Ryan is a younger version of me, basically my emotional and psychological doppelganger. What this means is that we approach most social situations with the same set of rules governing how we act and respond to things. You could ask us any number of questions and you would get the same answer. You want to meet new people? No. Do you love to eat. Yes. You want to go to a dance? Are you kidding? Ryan and I are what you would call introverts which means we don’t care to encounter new social situations and don’t really want to go out and meet new people. This doesn’t mean that we hate everyone (as much as I may profess that from hour to hour) but that we draw strength from being around our close circle of friends as opposed to being in a large gathering such as a party. Some people may say, “let’s go talk to those people,” to which we’ll respond, “why?”

Some people see things as they are and ask why... And so do I

From these similarities you can see why I was shocked when I learned of Ryan’s Twitter account. We just wouldn’t do that! For my Facebook, it takes 50 people wishing me happy birthday before I will even post a status update which usually amounts to, “thanks for birthday wishes, I guess.” I don’t “like” things and I rarely comment on anything. That’s just how I am. I may appreciate it when someone writes on my wall or comments on a picture, but it’s an appreciation for just me. I don’t feel the need to respond to all these things and I know Ryan acts by the same set of rules because he explicitly told me this.

From all these factors it became apparent that other nefarious forces were at play here. Someone else must have set this up for Ryan. I reached this conclusion because that’s the same way I got my own Facebook account. My doubles partner set it up for me which for some reason was acceptable with the rules I have governing social interaction. We don’t mind the idea of having these things but by god we are not going to take the time to set them up. After exhaustive minutes of detective work I discovered that Freshmen Mark Kroll was the catalyst for setting up this Twitter account which oddly, or sadly, enough proves that Ryan and I are the same person. In the not too distant future Ryan can look forward to being a sadly paid 25 year-old who lives in Iowa and is obviously still single. Congrats.

It's not as bad as it sounds.

Will I get a Twitter now? Not unless someone else sets it up for me (please don’t). For now I will live vicariously through Ryan who can put himself out there in the great, wide social media world for both of us.