The Big Two Five

Last week I dropped the ball and neglected the sacred duty entrusted to me: delivering a sarcasm and vengeance filled manifesto based on my life. One subject lately on my mind concerns this upcoming Friday. April 12^th is obviously known to most people as the beginning of the Civil War with the first shots fired on Fort Sumter in South Carolina. Those with historical and slightly less racist bent the know April 12^th as Russian holiday of Cosmonautics Day which celebrates the first manned space flight in 1961.

We love exploration...and vodka!

These are obviously important events but the 12^th has much greater significance than you may have realized: it’s also my birthday. Now, before you get all upset about me trumpeting myself around and looking for special privileges, wait just a second. This is not what we’re here to talk about. In fact, that’s pretty much the opposite of what this whole thing is about. You see, I’m turning 25 tomorrow and upon realizing this I did the responsible thing and ignored it by binging on Curtis Newman’s Netflix account. Curtis found me in my own wasteland of shattered dreams and TV signals. “Brad, did you watch Snatch, three documentaries, and two Louis C.K. stand up specials on my account?” 

Yes, yes I did.

I’m not getting fatalistic here; I’m just reflecting on my first quarter century. When I was a kid, 25 year-olds were adults and pretty much had all that “adult” stuff figured out. What’s a 401k? What’s the Dow Jones mean? What really are chicken nuggets? I still don’t have any of these things figured out and I’ve had more than my fair share of chicken nuggets. I don't really feel like an adult, ya know, like my parents. I still can’t go 30 minutes without thinking about food. What happened to this whole adult thing? When is that going to kick in? I am thinking that sometime in the next few weeks the “adults” will take me to their meeting and all will become known to me. For now I don't feel and more adult like than I did at 24 or 23. I’m basically just a bigger, slightly less awkward version of my 9 year-old self.

There’s a realization that’s become fairly obvious to me. You basically start dying after 21. Not trying to be negative but as far a birthdays are concerned what do I have to look forward to now? And don’t say renting a car because something you may take advantage of once every 2 years doesn’t really count as a perk. I think I remember from some bygone conversation that your insurance starts going down when you turn 25. Once again, don’t care. Isn’t that why people get married? “Hey we don’t really like each other, but if we make this official with the government then we can get a discount on our car insurance. Whadaya say?”

I have heard it said that life starts at 40. I’m not buying it. Do you die at 30 and get reborn at age 40 in some weird reincarnation-like ceremony? That’s about the only way I can see life starting at 40, and I’m not Hindu so I don’t think I qualify. But before we get wrist-slitting depressed let’s talk about something positive. Even though I don’t like the saying that “life begins at 40” I don’t necessarily think your younger years are the best ones either. Who’s to say when the best time of your life is? It could be at 20 or 45 or 100. I sincerely doubt people who say that high school or your college years are the best times of your life. In high school you don’t even have all the rights of a full human being! (adult). If I make it to 75 years old then statistically there’s a good chance my best times are still ahead of me. I’m not even halfway through yet and neither are you unless you actually are in which case I’m sorry and I hope you have some good times ahead. Two minutes before I die I may discover the secret to happiness and have the greatest two minutes of euphoria ever.

I did it!!!

So while there are things I don’t have anymore that I used to enjoy like my parents paying for all my food, there are also things I can do now that I couldn’t when I was a kid (like gamble, wooooo).I guess what I’m trying to say is that despite my earlier, negative, thoughts on getting older I’m looking forward to what lies ahead while still being appreciative of what I have already experienced in my first 25 years.

I’m glad we could all take some time out of our busy days and pore over my life. Thanks guys