Rough Riders Hockey

Folks, it’s 5 degrees outside with a -11 degree wind chill which has led me to a state of delirium in which I’m going to discuss something of have no experience or practical knowledge: hockey. That’s right, the patron sport of Canada; a country world renowned for its sports and athletic prowess. Last Saturday members of the Coe tennis teams went to watch the Cedar Rapids Rough Riders play the Green Bay Gamblers. Since I had never been to a hockey… whatever it is they call their contests (games? matches? international friendlies?) I cleared my already busy schedule in order to take part in this seminal event. It wasn’t easy turning down a night of eating Subway and continuing my study of The Lucifer Principle but, you know, I couldn’t let the team down.

We arrived at the game/match thing and I immediately formed my first conclusion. Now this may surprise some of you, but just like many other sporting events, hockey isn’t exactly a high brow affair. Judging by the amount of Busch Light, unkempt facial hair, and glorious absence of sophistication (to quote Jeff Foxworthy) I knew we were in the right place. As we were walking into the arena, I did have a strange feeling of familiarity. It was probably the ACDC and Metallica music playing too loudly which reminded me of similar gatherings back in Texas. The main difference being that in Iowa it’s call hockey but back home it’s called a rodeo. Throw some dirt over that ice and get some bulls out there and we got ourselves a redneck festival.

Our center and right wing

Unfortunately, this is where the similarities ended because the game started. The puck was dropped and the thrilling action began… “wait! Where’s the puck! I can’t see it!” The first thing I learned about hockey was that the tiny black puck was really difficult to see. While most of the crowd was either yelling or cheering for the current action that was happening, my eyes were searching the area vacated 3 seconds earlier for the puck. Every few minutes I would yell out, “what’s going on?!” Since Curtis, my resident hockey expert, wasn’t sitting next to me I got no answers, only dumbfounded stares.

Also known as Nicolas Cage's normal look

Since I could only follow half of the action on the ice, I spent the rest of my time surveying the crowd and, wow, there were some real winners there. One guy a few rows back from me had a few Busch Lights too many and forgot all words of the English language except the phrases, “hit somebody” and “let’s fight.” I referred to him as “that stupid, fat, drunk, redneck a few rows back,” it really rolls off the tongue. If we had the puck, “hit somebody.” If Green Bay had the puck, “hit somebody.” If Green Bay scored, “let’s fight!”

My other favorite hockey patron was obviously a regular and called out the Rough Rider players by name. The captain, Brady, was really getting an earful from this guy. You see, Brady was apparently not having a good game, and this guy wanted to make sure everyone knew it. “Brady! You’re playing a terrible game!” or “Brady! If you keep turning that puck over I’m gonna come get you!” an my personal favorite, “Brady! I’m gonna rip that ‘C’ off you shirt and give it to Wade!!!!!!” Suffice to say, Brady didn’t have the best game and neither did the rest of the team. One of the few times I could follow the puck clearly was when we shot it at the goal. I think we were confused and thought the key was to aim for the goalie’s glove and if that’s the case, then we are some crack shots. Every shot seemed to go into the goalie’s glove, very slowly.

The highlight of the night came in the 2^nd period when it was already obvious we playing for second place in a two person race. It got a little rough out there, as hockey games are want to do, and the event everyone was really there to see took place. The sticks were dropped, the gloves were tossed aside, and the fight was underway! Now, Coe Alum and boxing guru Steve Eden teaches the Rough Riders how to box, so I took it upon myself to yell for Steve. “Punch him in the face! Go Steve. Get him Steve!” The Rough Rider player fell down like a baby deer learning how to walk, but I feel Steve would have been proud of him for landing three punches while lying on his back. Good job guys, now go sit in the penalty box.

Also known as a time out

I wish there was more to report about the game, but I don’t know anything else about hockey. Since we were losing I kept hoping for the flying-v formation to get us back in the game, Mighty Ducks style but I was saddened to learn that’s not a real thing. And neither is anything else in those movies. However, indoor football season starts soon, and I’m sure I’ll have more insight into that event. According to my sources its even less refined than hockey. I can’t wait.

Resolution update:

Number of lucid dreams: 0

Number of unassisted handstand pushups: 0