Tough Rules to Live By

We all know that a few weeks ago I took a little trip to Texas, and while a good deal of that time was spent eating, drinking coffee, and just generally spending money this was not the original reason for planning the trip. Yes this was first and foremost a trip about masochism, and as promised it’s time to detail little adventure in all its tear-filled, mud-stained, blood-filled glory. As an added bonus I'll add some rules to race by that have come to me the hard way.

A Tough Mudder for those who do not know is a 12 mile course usually filled with 24 obstacles. These obstacles range from something as simple as running up muddy hills to something as sadistic as a water filled trench with dangling overhead wires that deliver an electric shock when touched (and it’s impossible to avoid all the wires). My starting wave was on the second day of the event. Couple that with the fact that it rained heavily all night and you can start to imagine just how muddy things were.

We arrived at the course location south of Dallas and were met with our 1^st test even before the event started: a 1 ½ mile walk from the parking lot to the starting area. This was unexpected but when you’re planning on running 12 miles anyway what’s a couple extra gonna hurt? After registration, signing your death waiver, and marking your bib number on your forehead in permanent marker you’re all set to go. This brings me to my first rule for running a Tough Mudder – or any race for that matter. Don’t fear the port-o-potty. I learned this the hard way during my first Mudder. After properly eating and hydrating all week, you had better stop for a little visit to pay the water bill, or there will be hell to pay while you’re out on the course. There are things nearly all people have natural aversions to such as snakes, spiders, and port-o-pottys, but you better close your eyes and pretend it’s a bad dream while you’re in there; otherwise you’ll end up living a nightmare out on the course.

Now for rule 2 for running a Tough Mudder: don’t try to avoid the mud! Without fail everyone at the beginning of every race I’ve done runs around the mud holes in the beginning. We’re about to experience an obstacle that’s actual name is the “Mud Mile” and they’re worried about getting dirty in the 1^st mile!?

Oh yeah, it looks like a lovely place

Just look at the starting area. Yeah, it’s not getting any better from there, so no trying to avoid getting dirty at the beginning. Or like an old college professor used to tell me, “sometimes you just gotta drop your pants and slide on the ice.” I’m a little confused as to how that advice is helpful here but that’s okay because that leads directly into rule number 3: Get a little confused and disoriented. Take a look at this picture. I have no idea what part of the course this was. Sometime after mile 4? Maybe?

And look at me here. I’m obviously deranged at this point, otherwise I wouldn’t be smiling

I don't even smile when I'm happy

So after you’ve successfully succumbed to full dementia and paranoia you have to keep slogging through. I mean that literally. It’s muddy. I fell more times than I can even count because I only have 10 fingers and am not wearing sandals. Let’s just say it was a lot of falling. I spent a fair amount of my time crawling up hills on my hands and knees because I had no traction – and the same balance as a baby deer.

So after all 12 miles you have just one obstacle left and you’re home free. Unfortunately this obstacle is the 2^nd time you’re going to get shocked today. The last Tough Mudder I ran, the “Electroshock Therapy” as they call it, gave me such a shock that I was knocked out for a few seconds and was welcomed lovingly by the grounds sweet embrace. In a clear sign that Life felt bad for last year, this time I was spared any shocks! I almost have regained my faith in a fair universe… almost. Once it’s all over and you’ve got your free shirt and headband and negotiated for some extra Clif Bars because, after all, you deserve them, it’s time for one last thing. Rule number 4: take a post race picture. Here is me after my race last year post-unconscious

It was a great day

In this year’s post race picture, sadly, I wasn’t nearly as dirty looking

Yes, in case you were wondering, I do actually have friends

There it is, my Tough Mudder experience or the parts of it that I can recall. And the rules to race by the next time you decided to be less boring.