Morning Joe

Last week, I discussed my thoughts on the US Open, specifically my violent thoughts on the TV commentators. It has been noted by some that my blog posts are, “long” (I could have paraphrased that). With that in mind I will try to refrain from writing an epic saga on par with James Cameron’s Titanic and instead work to keep within Good Will Hunting range.

I still haven't let go

Now on to the real story

A few weeks ago Kris bought a Keurig coffee maker for the tennis office, and as she noted in her post, I bought hot chocolate for it. This was due to the fact that I wanted to use the Keurig even though I hate coffee. Removing coffee from the Keurig equation leaves tea and hot chocolate. I just so happen to despise tea about as much as coffee and Mary Carillo, so that left me with only one choice. Being so limited on what hot and delicious, slightly, addictive drink I could brew from the new Keurig got me thinking that maybe it was time to expand my horizons. This brought me to my new experiment: I would drink a cup of coffee everyday for an entire week. It’s like the book Supersize Me, but without me having to constantly intake 5,000 calories a day in the form of saturated fat (McDonalds). Now, I don’t intake a lot of caffeine (any) which did have me a little worried, but since I was going to write a blog post about my experience I knew I couldn’t skimp on my experiment. I was drinking for Science now!

A truth not usually uttered on college campuses

Despite my dislike of the coffee, I have actually been to quite a few good coffee shops. If you’re ever in Houston, Texas check out the Antidote. In Boulder, Colorado? Go to the Laughing Goat. In Salt Lake City, Utah? There’s a nice little place on 9^th and 9^th. In Fort Collins, Colorado? Check out Cranknstein which is a bike shop/bar/coffee shop.

I believe my non-love affair with the coffee stems, in part, from what is to be found in coffee shops: that putrid mixture of skinny jeans, strangely pierced baristas, and macbook pros, all slathered in a thick layering of smugness and pseudo-irony.

Get a job! Hippies!

In these coffee shops I am definitely not in my element. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed my time at all of these places. I’m just not completely at ease unless I’m with someone who can guide me through these hipster enclaves. For my friends who have brought me safely through these mine fields, thank you (and I’m sorry for reneging on our agreement to name my first born after you, Kelsey drives a hard bargain).  

My overall plan was to spend the first half of the week trying out different coffees and identify my favorite (or least hated). I would then try the best coffee with different combinations of sugar and cream. That meant all my first cups of coffee were going to be taken straight black. You know, like a man.

Card holder since last Friday

For my first cup I randomly selected a cup from a sample box we had laying around. You can see I put a great deal of thought into this first cup, but I had to start somewhere. Random guessing seemed like a good choice. Besides I didn’t have a frame of reference for what’s good or bad anyways. The lucky first brew was Van Houtte French Vanilla, a light roast. My first taste can be summed up in one word: awful.

Random guessing. Bad Choice.

This first day was definitely the worst of the entire experiment. I think this was due to the deadly combination of the coffee was actually awful, and it was my first taste. No matter what happened, I wasn’t going to like what I tried, so I must have subconsciously picked an awful roast anyways. Over the next three days I tried Pike Place Roast which is made by Starbucks, Timothy’s Decaffeinated Colombian coffee, and Newman’s Own Extra Bold.

I was often surprised by how much I didn’t absolutely hate what I was drinking. In coffee terms, that’s basically a ringing endorsement by me. After trying all four of these coffees, my favorite was pretty clear: Pike Place was the best followed closely by the Columbian Decaf. Newman’s and the French Vanilla were in a very distant 3^rd and 4^th.

 Drinking all of this coffee black was great and all (read: terrible experience) but being a MAN only last so long. I decided it was time to turn in my man card; It was time to up the ante. I was going nuclear.

Fat Man and Little Boy

Coach Rodgers may deride me for these additions to my coffee, but one of my aforementioned saviors in the coffee shops is an avid coffee drinker and always puts creamer her coffee. I figure that’s a good enough excuse. For the next few days I was going to drink Pike Place Roast with different additions of creamer and syrup.

Due to my still neophyte status with coffee, I had no idea how much creamer to put in my drink. How much did I put in my first cup you may ask? Short answer: too much. That’s not to say I hated my cup of coffee that day, it was probably my favorite so far. There was just obviously too much creamer in it; I should have just had a cup of milk. This is really my coffee conundrum in a nutshell. Whenever I tried a cup of coffee with creamer in it, I really enjoyed the milk/cream taste, but was always upset when the coffee taste came in. Whenever asked if I wanted to try some coffee I would often give it the ole college try, and it always went like this:

“Man this is actually pretty good. It’s like a creamy milk taste and I love milk…AAHHHH Why Is There Coffee In Here!!!”

That thought process was still present during my experiment, but this time I knew the coffee taste was coming. After a few days of experimenting, I decided less is more and my favorite cup came on my last day. There was just a little shot of cream and barely any syrup. This turned out much better than my first try at creamer which was more like a half coffee/half cream catastrophe.

With my coffee experiment completed, I have a new appreciation for coffee, but I don’t plan on having another cup anytime soon. I’m just thankful the influx of coffee and caffeine for a week did not lead to a Gollum style addiction

I must have the precious...coffee!

If I find myself in another random coffee shop somewhere in the world, will I order a drink? You bet. I’ll probably even enjoy it. And then run away to avoid the hipster smugness from infecting me

For now, I’m excited to get back to my hot chocolate.