New Year's Resolutions

It’s Thursday again, and as evidenced by the words forming on the screen while my hands move on the keyboard, it must be time for another blog post. Either that or I’m trapped in my own personal hell known as high school English.

The month of January is the start of a new year and with that comes the start of many new resolutions. In thinking about why many resolutions (for example: all of them) fail I have come up with a novel solution. You see, most resolutions operate on a basic scale. The zeal with which most people go after them is inversely proportional to their waistline. As the days wear on if our waistlines shrink, the excitement of actual results grows and we keep increasing efforts. On the other hand, when no waistline results are seen, our resolution resolve plummets and our waistline continues its upward march. If January is where resolutions come to life, February is why they go to irrevocably die.  

What I think of when I think of February

Luckily for me, I didn’t start implementing my new year’s resolutions until last week so I’m probably good until March. My resolution last year was the incorporation of the words hubris and esoteric into everyday conversations. Think of everyday words as sugary snacks to the brain and my new words as broccoli and spinach. They’re good for you, but if anyone sees you using them they look at you as if you have two heads or disdain you for showing off in front of them (I was). I stuck to this resolution fairly well until summer – you know, for swimwear season – but I eventually succumbed to the temptation and went back, addled to my old ways, in the buffet of gluttony that is easy everyday speech. . “Other words are so easy to use! It’s tough sticking with it when everyone else is gorging!” Okay, I think this metaphor is played out.

This year I have two more resolutions primed and ready to go. My first resolution is to become a lucid dreamer. According to sources (Wikipedia), “a lucid dream is any dream in which one is aware that one is dreaming.” The dreamer may be able to exert control over their participation in the dream as well as control over their imaginary experiences within the dream environment. If anyone doesn’t see the implications of this and think that sounds AWESOME, then you are dead inside. You cold, cold heartless monster. Imagine a world that is incredibly realistic and vivid, and now imagine that you are completely in charge of it! Wanna play in a grandslam final? Go ahead. Wanna be a famous singer? The world is your oyster. Wanna be president and nuke everybody? Sounds great, start with congress and work your way down. It’s like the movie Inception but no one’s trying to steal your bank account number and your crazy wife is locked up far, far away.

Wife? Of course I'm not married

These things all sound great on their own, but now add in the fact that the normal laws of physics don’t have to apply and you are set for your own superhero adventure replete with enough firepower to make the Avengers look like amateurs. I have all the abilities of the X-men, Thor, and Spiderman and have the Force also just in case. Michael Bay thinks he’s done some stupid stuff? Well he has, but that’s nothing compared to the lunacy that’s going to be rolling around in my world.

I consider this his opus

Of course, we’ve all had dreams and most of them were probably not lucid, so how do we tap into this precious ability to make Mary Carillo stop talking? I must admit I’m not completely sure. I have, however, begun a dream journal which I hope will alleviate the Dark Side clouding my Force powers. It’s fairly simple, every morning when I wake up I write down the dream I had from the night before. If you don’t remember your dreams, at this point you’re probably screwed. Sorry. For everyone else this is a good start… I hope. My latest dream involved me siphoning off water from the ground while watching a tennis match (I was thirsty?). This siphoning then turned into a full fledged geyser which necessitated abandoning the match. Nothing strange about that, oh yeah and some other stuff happened, T-Rex got loose, I drove a forklift, the Texas Rangers got their second win, I baked some cookies, Pooh Bear gave me a glass of saltwater to drink, and I gave said glass to my friend. It was delicious.

A journal will also make you realize how weird dreams are. And now it’s time to move on to resolution number 2: Handstand pushups. A handstand pushup shouldn’t need any further explanation, you do a handstand and since you’re so fit you figure you might as well get some reps in while your there. My reasons for wanting to do this fall in line with my reasons for doing most things: I’m trying to show off. And what better way to show off than by inverting your body in a display of shoulder, arm, and core strength and balance while everyone else looks on with disgust. So far I haven’t been very rigorous with this resolution because it hurts when your arms collapse and you body entire body weights comes to rest on your head.

Contrast that with what its supposed to look like

My goal is be able to rep these out by the end of the semester. I will keep you updated on my progress throughout this semester, don’t you worry. If there is any handstand pushups being had, I will make sure everyone knows, and I mean everyone.

So get out there, work on your own resolutions, and remember the advice of Thoreau: “If one marches confidently in the direction of his dreams… he will meet with success unexpected in common hours, so quit your crying and suck it up.”